rough night, stable day

after a pretty rough night in winston and a nap when i got home i headed out to mow the lawn. i always listen to music when doing yard work and it's usually something that keeps me going. Rent is usually a top choice. Tonight i picked something totally different. i have two different "comfort" types of christian music i listen to when i need comfort (that's usually hospital stays not yard work!) One type is God loves you and is there for you kind of stuff and the other is an "i feel like the world is caving in on me but God is there" types of songs. Tonight i listened to my three watermark albums. Watermark was the first album i had been given after attending a church regularly (and later joining). Up until then besides a half of a school where i lived with a family who went to church my only exposure to God was my mother telling me there is no God and then my irish catholic family ( NOT NANA) and all of the catholics around me telling me that i was sick all the time because i was paying for the sins of my mother. I was always afraid to get in trouble because my birth mother could snap at anything but what made me more afraid of getting in trouble or doing badly was the thought of my future children having to pay for my sins. i'm glad Nana had many talks with me when i was young about how i was sick because i was sick that God wasn't making me sick to make me pay for the sins of my mother while still letting me think and question on what i thought about God. She said she knew there was a God but told me she wanted me to make that statement and understanding on my own not just because it's what she believes. By body did feel pretty beat up today so i guess maybe i needed those "comfort" albums to get me through or maybe i just needed a reminder of how i felt when i first heard them when i started attending a church. Who knows i just soaked up the music and came in feeling pretty renewed. POTS can't keep me down!